A Letter to the President ♥

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing to you today about an issue that is very perplexing to me as a citizen. Now in the grand scheme of things concerning the world today, my problem may not seem very important. But in my world Mr. President, it’s all I can think about. See, I am a 47 year old disabled stay-at-home Mother of four beautiful children who are my world. The issue that concerns me is this. I cannot collect any disability benefits. There are no provisions for me. I have nowhere to turn.

Let me give you a little back story. I did work prior to my getting married and having children, however that was some time ago. I knew about the condition that now disables me, but at that time I had no idea it would disable me. I have SEVERE degenerative double scoliosis. It is progressing at an alarming rate and the two curves in my spine are now at 70 degrees and 71 degrees. This progression has occurred over the period of about 6 years. This condition is causing me an alarming amount of pain and discomfort as well as breathing and possibly cardiac issues which I need to be assessed for at this time. I find it difficult to get through my normal activities throughout the course of the day.
Now, I had no idea that this condition would progress at the rate that it has, no one told me. No one warned me. Going into my life, raising my children, I always had pain…. but you learn to live with it. Your main concern is your children, not yourself. So no one monitored my condition. Unfortunately, that may have not made any difference anyway.

Here’s the problem with our system Mr. President. A stay at home Mom is not recognized by the Social Security system as a contributing member of our society. I have done, what I believe is the most noble of all professions. Or, it used to be. I stayed at home to give my children my full-time attention. I have raised four contributing members of society who are thriving and doing well in the world. Because I myself come from a broken home, I never wanted my children to have to fight for my attention. Although, that happens anyway when there are four of them.  As I’m sure your aware Mr. President, studies have been done to determine how much a “stay-at-home Mother” is worth from a financial standpoint….. And it’s well over $100,000 per year. And yet, because I didn’t “pay into” the system long enough and have become disabled during the course of raising my children…. the system has discarded me.  I am basically a “displaced worker” without any refuge. It hardly seems fair Mr. President. They “acknowledge” that I am disabled because my condition is legitimate…..However, they do not care because I do not “meet the necessary criteria” needed to establish me as so in the eyes of the government. And because my husband makes over the limit of their financial guidelines, I do not qualify of SSI either. But what they fail to realize is that, I am an individual who HAS contributed to society. I am a Mother, I am the CEO of this household, I am a person who cannot contribute to my own household financially because my disability makes it impossible for me to be on my feet for long periods of time, and to do the physical tasks required of the job.

The other issue with this Mr. President is, I have tried to work. But the only thing I’m qualified to do is retail work, and in the job market we live in…. no one will hire me anyway. I’ve been out of the workforce too long, and there are 10 other people behind me who can do all the tasks required of them that I cannot.  So,why would they hire me? Please understand, I am not looking for a ‘hand-out”.  I originally only applied for disability under my doctors advice. I did not want that title put on me. But I soon realized that my condition warranted the title and my hope was, that if the government gave me that title, then the workforce would have to comply to it. They could not force me to do jobs that I could not do. They could not force me to work the number of hours they wanted me to work, only what I was capable of . Not only that, I had hoped maybe for rehabilitation of some kind…. maybe a chance to return to school to further my education. Alas, I have no provisions.

To the government…. I do not exist. I do not understand how this can happen to women in my position Mr. President. Have I not done a noble service to my country by raising my children to be educated, to be contributing members of our society, to be well-adjusted adults?  I mean, how much is THAT worth to the society we live in considering the horrible things happening in the world today? Why is this not considered putting my time in? Where are my provisions as a woman who has done my job well? My husband has worked to support us all these years, paying into the system that denies me. I am unable to help him dig us out of debt. I am unable to help him, and it’s not fair. This is about my basic human dignity Mr. President. And all women in my position who wake up one day and realize there’s nothing out there for us. I didn’t “plan” on being disabled Mr. President…. I “planned” on returning to work doing something when my kids were old enough. And now, I cannot. I cannot go back and “earn” my work credits because I cannot hold down a job for any length of time because it becomes too painful for me to do so. So what do I do? Who do I turn to Mr. President?

I believe you have made so many changes President Obama that have benefitted our society. I voted for you. I think you are the President who looks at people like me and wants to make a difference. I would have written with this topic sooner had I not been WAITING nearly three years for Disability to answer my plea. I had no idea that this was going to be the outcome for me. I do not know what to do, or where to turn. So, I am turning to the leader of this great nation to look at my “tiny” problem and maybe address it and make a difference. Or perhaps, help me make a difference for the other women in my position?

I thank you for your time Mr. President.

Sincerely,

Tiffany J. Vitucci, Disabled Citizen who wants to make a difference.

Help ♥ Yourself

So… like just about everyone else on the planet right now, I’ve been battling an upper respiratory illness.  The kind of illness that starts out slow, and you think you might get off without too much downtime.  The kind of illness that sent my husband to the urgent care with a raging sinus infection and bronchitis…. Which I told him he had 🙂 Haha!!  Now, I normally pride myself on a very hearty immune system.  I usually don’t get hit with too much because I take pretty good care of myself.  I’m a firm believer in Diet and Exercise cure everything!  But this one, snuck up on me.  Now, I didn’t get the full-blown illness my husband did….but, it knocked me out nonetheless.  I usually get one illness a year that keeps me down more than a day.  Hopefully this was it.

Now, because I was forced to take it easy …which is never easy for me to do….. I got to thinking.  Thinking about what it is that prompts people to abuse the hell out of themselves?  We live in a society that breeds illness if you think about it.  Physical illness. Mental illness. Emotional illness.  A state of ….Hurry Up!!  Do More!! Do it Faster!! Add more to your plate!! Multi-task, multi-task, MULTI-TASK!!   It’s no wonder people are constantly looking for a magic pill for everything!!

Unfortunately…. there is none! 😦  Unless you consider that exercise is the best medication on the market?  And a well balanced diet.  Seriously.  Even recovering from my sickness, as soon as I started feeling human again, the first thing I did was some yoga.  Because of my back issues, I was hurting considerably from the coughing and the aches and pains of being sick.  Yoga….as much as I resisted….as much as I would have rather taken a nap instead…. Yoga….was my answer.  Now, did I feel 100% when I was done?  No.  But did I feel at least 50% better than I did going in?  Oh yeah!  And then I took a nap….Hahaha!

It truly amazes me how people resist the very thing that can help in almost every human condition.  Exercise…the natural Endorphin stimulator….your natural pain killer already provided by your body??  Why wouldn’t everyone take advantage of that?  It befuddles me.  I swear by it for pain management of the two nearly 70 degree curves in my spine.  If I didn’t….my condition would be way worse than it already is, my doctors have already told me this.

Another thing people say is….Oh, I’m too tired to exercise.  Surprise! Exercise….gives you energy!  Ta-da!! It’s magic!!  There are many times I literally have to drag myself through a routine….and am not happy about it….but, I force myself through it.  And guess what?  I always feel better than I did going in.  Now, if I am in fact very tired, the routine might me a less strenuous one…..but it’ll still help get me through my day.

I suffer from depression.  Guess what?  Exercise….stimulates your natural serotonin production.  Hello??!! Without it….I would truly be insane!  It is my #1 go to when I’m in a bad mood!  It literally, never fails me!! Never!

I’ve been battling my weight since I was a teenager!  When I was 15 years old, I lost over 85lbs!  I have successfully kept that weight off since that time through diet and exercise!  Through each and every pregnancy with my children.  Now, am I stick thin?  No, I am not?  I probably never will be.  But, I consistently show up and do the work!!  Each and every day of my life since I was 15 years old!!  I’ve tried to set a good example for my children.  And now that my age is progressing….I can see the results of all my hard work.  Especially with my back issues.  I am hopeful that I will remain active into my golden years to chase my grandchildren around!

Listen…. I’m not trying to preach here.  I’m not above pain medication if necessary.  I indulge in the “bad” food too.  I just make the effort to get back on track the next day, and consistently make it my lifestyle.  See, that’s where people go wrong.  They want the magic pill, because they don’t want to do the hard work.  And unfortunately, the magic pill might work for a little while, but doesn’t work for the long haul.  You have to make it a Lifestyle.  You have to constantly be aware of what damage you are doing to your body.  Listen….no one is going to stay twenty forever.  And most of us don’t have the money to hire personal chefs and trainers!  So, you have to do the work yourself!  I have constantly tried to stay current on the health and fitness news.  I consistently make changes and adapt where necessary.  My routine has changed numerous times over the years and the stuff I could do in my 20’s and 30’s…. I cannot necessarily do now.  So, I’ve had to adapt.  But I still work at it.  I haven’t given up just because the curves in my spine progressed from 45 and 47 degrees to 65 and 67 degrees over the years.  I’ve adapted. 

But I have a hard time understanding how little people are willing to do FOR themselves.  To give themselves a better quality of life.

Let’s see…..exercise helps with natural pain killing….ups those endorphins!  Exercise helps with depression, by stimulating your natural serotonin production.  Hmmmm….Exercise builds your immune system, which allows for less down time being sick….as well as more serious illness….such as heart disease and cardiovascular issues?  It helps maintain weight and gives you energy?  Sounds like a win-win to me!! 🙂

I mean, I get it…. People are stressed out.  People have jobs.  People have kids.  People have wayyyy too much on their plates…  But it seems to me, people are leaving a very basic need out of their personal equations.  People need to feel good in order to function.  And let’s face it, if you don’t take care of yourself….your really no good to anyone else because your feeling tired, run down, depressed….etc….  So wouldn’t it stand to reason, that the best medicine for us as humans is a little “self love”?   Find a few moments a few times a week to just take care of you?  So that you can take care of everyone else?  Be an inspiration to you children?  Have more energy for your loved ones?  Have more energy at work?  Hell, maybe even be able to stay awake past 8pm?

I mean….you know….Help Yourself?

Just a thought…..Namaste♥

I have been in the Dark Hallway….Has anyone seen me?

For anyone who has been kind enough to be reading my blog, I apologize for my absence, for I have been trapped in the dark hallway of my depression.  I have recently been dealt a devastating blow regarding my condition.  See, this is not an easy thing for me to discuss, but I am so overwhelmed by my despair about it, I felt the only way to deal with it was to write about it.  My “creativity level” has been flat-lined since the news. So, I thought this would breathe some life into it.

Here’s the deal.  Since my condition of degenerative scoliosis has been steadily worsening, I was encouraged to file for disability.  I was extremely against this idea until my last job really drove home how fast this thing has progressed over the last few years.  But we’ll go back to that momentarily.  First, let me clarify my history a bit.

I have been a stay-at-home Mom for some twenty years now.  With four children within the span of three and a half years, and absolutely NO help raising them other than my husband; there was no other choice.  I worked through my first pregnancy with our first son, and held a job at a local bank for almost 7 years before I left after his birth.  Now, I have had this condition my whole life, and was even told I may not be able to carry children full term.  But, I proved them all wrong… because next, I had a set of twins exactly two years later.  And then our last child 20 months after them.  My back was always an issue, but when raising children….their health and well-being is driven to the forefront of your existence.  The only time I saw a Doctor was to deliver a child or to get rid of an illness that forced me to go.  Looking back now in hindsight, the back-to-back pregnancies probably didn’t help my condition.  But, you couldn’t tell me that then!  I was too busy taking care of my fat, happy little babies.

Now as the years have raced by, the pain has become more and more prominent.  But again, all the lifting and bending of raising children….you just kind of take it in stride.  And occasional bout of pneumonia would drive me to get a new set of chest x-rays at which time, the Doctor and the technician would ask me….”do you know you have a predominant case of scoliosis?” ….and I would answer….”yes, I am aware….thank you for noticing…” , take my antibiotic and go home and continue with my life.  No doctor ever offered any answers or forewarning of the pending issues I would encounter later in life.  But somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I had to continue to be active in my work outs and keeping my weight under control.  I don’t really know why, I just knew it would be an issue if I didn’t .

So life continued, and the children grew and because we were always struggling with money…. I tried to work a few times.  The problem was, every job was too many hours on my feet, and most jobs in retail (which, being out of the workforce for so long, was all I’m qualified to do) require lifting, bending, and way more hours than I could handle.  I would end up leaving because the employers didn’t want to hear about my condition, all they cared about was getting the job done….and if I couldn’t do it, well then…there were plenty of people out there who could.  I tried to go back to school for cosmetology, because it was something I was good at and wanted to do in high school but didn’t.  But at that time, it was apparent because of my condition, that even if I graduated, I wouldn’t be able to put the hours in that I’d need to build clientele.  That, and my eldest child came down with Mono, and I had to leave to stay at home and care for him full time.  I now owe a student loan for an education I couldn’t finish.  Granted, it’s a small one, but it’s there nonetheless.  Haunting me….

The final blow came when a couple years ago, I took a job with a local bakery for a few hours a week.  Which turned into more hours than I could handle, and no matter how many times I talked to my boss about my condition and cutting back on my hours, she didn’t care.  It was her way, or no way.  I LOVED this job, I loved the women I worked with.  I didn’t want to leave.  I stayed though Christmas, to get them through the madness…  and could barely walk by the time I Ieft.  I had trouble lifting my right leg into my vehicle to drive myself home…. my right hip is in horrible condition because of this too.  I am probably facing a hip replacement at some point in my life.  And this is when… I was advised by my Doctors that I should file.

Fast-forward to today.  I have been dealing with this claim for two years now.  Have an attorney, the whole nine yards.  And basically, long-story short…. they’re telling me….we’ve got nothing for you because you do not have enough work credits to file this claim.  We can’t help you because your husband “makes too much money”….

Now, understand.  I am not looking for any handouts here.  I never asked for this. I didn’t ever want to be considered “disabled” for any reason.  I have fought this every step of the way.  The only reason I agreed to do it was in hopes of maybe taking a job under the guidelines of the disability title, where an employer would have to adhere to a certain number of hours, and accept the fact that there were a few things I could not do as an employee.  Also, maybe….just maybe, to receive some sort of vocational rehabilitation back into the work force, into a job I could possibly do.  Keep in mind though, that sitting for long periods of time is also virtually impossible for me also.  So, what I’m saying is…. I needed HELP.  Not a handout.

And I am outraged, and forlorn, and totally disgusted by a society that disregards “someone like me” (those were the exact words from the local Social Security employee when I called to ask questions) as a person who has not “contributed” enough to society.  I mean, in essence, they’re telling me….”Too bad sister, you didn’t put the time in, your screwed!”  WHAT??? I probably put more “time in” than was required had I been getting a pay-check for my job as a Mother.

How can a stay at home Mom be basically punished because she didn’t contribute?   I cannot contribute to my household income because of a condition I curse every day of my life.  My husband has to bear the burden alone because I cannot help him.  I am not trained, and believe me ….before I knew how bad my condition had become, I tried to find a job.  NO ONE will hire me because I’ve been out of the workforce for so long.  It’s not like, you know….1950 when a stay at home Mom could “take a little job” as a secretary or something after her children were raised.  NO!! No one wants us out there! We are disposable!

But have I not been a good citizen?  I stayed home and raised four children who are responsible almost-adults…who are out in the world, “contributing” to society.  I gave everything I had body and soul into raising those children and taking care of the household we live in.   How the hell is that NOT contributing to society? I read somewhere that if a stay-at-home Mother was PAID for the job she did, it would amount to like around $100,000 a year!!  I don’t understand how this world we live in decides that I am disposable?  Because that is how I feel at this point.  Like I don’t matter.  Like I don’t exist.  Like my whole life meant nothing.  Now logically, I know that to my family this is not true.  But to society?  Whole different ballgame.

I am very upset by this turn of events.  Especially since I know that there are a lot of people out there who are receiving these benefits and are cheating the system.  I, however am not one of those people.  I sincerely do not know where to turn.  And it’s so unfair.  I have a real condition, that under “normal” circumstances…had I “put the time in”…. and given my age, would have not been questioned…and I would qualify for help.  But because I instead chose to do the most honorable job on the planet…..stayed at home and raised my four beautiful children, I am to be dismissed.

I don’t know what I hope to accomplish by writing this article.  Maybe I’m hoping for a miracle.  I don’t know. And I realize there are people out there suffering much more than myself.  However, I have contributed to the lives of my children…. And I don’t think it’s right that a society can just disregard my place as a viable human being.  It just isn’t right.

And now I’m done ranting.  I’m asking anyone who is reading this, to please refrain from commenting if you have anything negative to offer.  Please, just hope, prayers and a miracle are appreciated.

Thank you for your time.

Namaste 🙂

The Dark Hallway

In light of the sudden passing of Robin Williams, I feel compelled to write today about a subject that’s very personal to myself as well.  That subject is depression.  It is being reported that this great actor, inspired comedian and humanitarian was suffering from severe depression.  This is in fact, a subject I know very well.  I too, suffer from this sometimes debilitating and paralyzing disorder.  So many people suffer from this, and yet I feel it’s so misunderstood by so many.

I find that nobody really wants to hear that your “depressed”.  It tends to make people feel uncomfortable to say the least.  People say things like….”Oh, it’s not that bad.” ….or “Cheer up!”….and the popular…”Think positive!”  Most people just want you to smile and be happy ….even if your pretending.  What people do not understand….is that you do not “control” this illness.  It controls you.

So, you begin to withdraw … because you get tired.  Tired of pretending that everything is great and that your happy.  It becomes exhausting to continually put on a smile and cheer everyone else on.  This is where the isolation kicks in.  You begin to feel isolated because you don’t want to “burden” people with your dark moods.  You don’t want to seem like a complainer. You don’t want to bring people “down”.  Now keep in mind, you may have moments where you are putting up that front, but more often than not, you are trying to BE that person who is happy, and upbeat and positive.  You are not really putting on an act.  I believe that this is the person you truly are and would be if depression wasn’t sucking the life out of you on those dark days.

For someone like Robin Williams, I think it had to be even harder to put on that face all the time.  Especially because he was such an amazing actor and comedian.  It is said that he was especially gifted at making everyone around him happy….that’s what he did…he made people laugh.  But unfortunately, he could not make himself happy.  And that’s what happens.  People often use laughter as a facade to mask the pain.  And when they are alone, they sit there and wonder….”what is wrong with me?”   Because, that’s another thing depression does to you.  It makes you constantly beat yourself up…  It makes you feel worse than you already do.  So you suffer in silence.  You know your life is okay, that logically you have “nothing” to be “depressed” about.   So why can’t you just “snap-out-of-it”?  What people don’t understand, is that no matter how good your life may be or how grateful you are to have it, and the people in it … you just cannot “make” yourself feel better.

It doesn’t work that way.  Unfortunately.

Now, I do not know much about substance abuse… I’ve never succumbed to that part of it.  But there have been days where I could totally see how that aspect would sneak into the picture of your life.  The days are dark and without hope.  You feel helpless, and you have no idea why. And you would give anything to just not have to feel ANYTHING, in that moment.  And it may hit you suddenly, and for no “logical” reason.

Days like that sometimes last for weeks off and on.  For me, I often feel a myriad of things… but the thing that stands out the most…is hopelessness.  Now, from the outside, no one would know.  I have a gift for using humor and sarcasm to hide my emotions.  Because again, I believe that’s who I truly am…a happy person who loves to laugh.   From the outside, I have everything to be happy about.  I have a beautiful home, I have four beautiful children who are all doing well…. food on the table…and the list goes on and on.   But on the inside…. I am in constant turmoil with myself.  It is something that I fight with every, single, day.

I have likened it to walking down a long, dark hallway.

At the end of that hallway, I can see a light…. But as I walk toward that light….the hallway gets longer, and narrower…. and darker.  What that means is…. Logically, you can see everything in your life that is good.  You are grateful for all that you have.  You cling to the people who matter the most to you for dear life.  You can see it all.  You can see it.  You just can’t always “connect” to it.  You feel…. Disconnected.  So when people tell you to just….”suck it up and deal with it….everybody has problems”…. You beat yourself up more.  You feel worse.  It’s a vicious cycle. And you are helpless to stop it.  THAT, is what depression “feels” like.  You feel like your drowning and no one can see you.  You feel like your screaming and no one can hear you.  It is a helpless, hopeless feeling.  And no amount of “positive” thinking can “snap” you out of it.

And that is another reason you isolate yourself.  Because people who have never experienced it, cannot understand it.  It is different than a run of the mill case of the blues.  They ask you questions like….”Why? Why are you depressed? You have all these things in your life, you shouldn’t be depressed?!”  Questions you’ve asked yourself a million and a half times.  Questions you cannot answer.  So, you withdraw.  And you feel worse.  And you sink deeper.

I’m not writing this to elicit sympathy from anyone.  We don’t want sympathy.  We want understanding.  Compassion perhaps, but not sympathy.  A kind word.  A welcome distraction.  And enlightened conversation maybe.  Something to distract us from this moment in time that will pass.  And it does pass.  That is what I hold on to.  That, and those I love… they keep me here.  And they keep me focused on what matters.  They help me see my way out of that dark, endless hallway.  I will tell you too what else helps.  Getting help.  I have a great therapist who I see regularly who helps me keep those days in perspective.  Helps me see the light when I cannot find it on my own.  Sometimes, medication is in order.  There is no shame in it.  It is a chemical imbalance in the brain.  It can and should be treated as such.  It helps find focus.

Love, Laughter and good friends help immensely.  Exercise helps me, it has been my go-to my entire adult life.  I believe in it fully, and practice it daily.  I’ve recently added Yoga to my routine, which has been invaluable in keeping me less stressed and centered.  It is as cathartic to me, as is writing now.  Some days, it is exhausting to just stay ahead of the game though, I will tell you.  But I force myself to work out because I know, when I am done… I will feel better.  It has never failed me.  These are the things that I believe in.  These are the things that help me deal with a disorder that sometimes, takes someone too soon.  I believe that Robin was tired. Tired of maintaining the fight.

As a side note, for those who may think that this is a “weakness” in a person, let me say…. It takes an inordinate amount of strength get up each day and take care of the people you love.  To be there for them on a daily basis and make sure you are living the life you were given.  To help those who need you and make sure that the people you love have what they need.  To laugh with them, to cook a good meal for them, to take the time to listen to them and be with them.  That takes strength.  And sometimes the strongest people in life are the ones who are taking care of everybody else.  And sometimes, they just break.

But you have to continue to fight…. to tell yourself that it may be a bad day, but it’s not a bad life…. and it’s worth fighting for.  I pray that Robin is at peace now.  It is very noisy in a depressed person’s head.  We will miss him greatly.  But it’s okay for him to rest now.

 

My go to mantra when things are tough in all things is….. Philippians 4:13

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me Strength…”     God Bless… ♥