For anyone who has been kind enough to be reading my blog, I apologize for my absence, for I have been trapped in the dark hallway of my depression. I have recently been dealt a devastating blow regarding my condition. See, this is not an easy thing for me to discuss, but I am so overwhelmed by my despair about it, I felt the only way to deal with it was to write about it. My “creativity level” has been flat-lined since the news. So, I thought this would breathe some life into it.
Here’s the deal. Since my condition of degenerative scoliosis has been steadily worsening, I was encouraged to file for disability. I was extremely against this idea until my last job really drove home how fast this thing has progressed over the last few years. But we’ll go back to that momentarily. First, let me clarify my history a bit.
I have been a stay-at-home Mom for some twenty years now. With four children within the span of three and a half years, and absolutely NO help raising them other than my husband; there was no other choice. I worked through my first pregnancy with our first son, and held a job at a local bank for almost 7 years before I left after his birth. Now, I have had this condition my whole life, and was even told I may not be able to carry children full term. But, I proved them all wrong… because next, I had a set of twins exactly two years later. And then our last child 20 months after them. My back was always an issue, but when raising children….their health and well-being is driven to the forefront of your existence. The only time I saw a Doctor was to deliver a child or to get rid of an illness that forced me to go. Looking back now in hindsight, the back-to-back pregnancies probably didn’t help my condition. But, you couldn’t tell me that then! I was too busy taking care of my fat, happy little babies.
Now as the years have raced by, the pain has become more and more prominent. But again, all the lifting and bending of raising children….you just kind of take it in stride. And occasional bout of pneumonia would drive me to get a new set of chest x-rays at which time, the Doctor and the technician would ask me….”do you know you have a predominant case of scoliosis?” ….and I would answer….”yes, I am aware….thank you for noticing…” , take my antibiotic and go home and continue with my life. No doctor ever offered any answers or forewarning of the pending issues I would encounter later in life. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I had to continue to be active in my work outs and keeping my weight under control. I don’t really know why, I just knew it would be an issue if I didn’t .
So life continued, and the children grew and because we were always struggling with money…. I tried to work a few times. The problem was, every job was too many hours on my feet, and most jobs in retail (which, being out of the workforce for so long, was all I’m qualified to do) require lifting, bending, and way more hours than I could handle. I would end up leaving because the employers didn’t want to hear about my condition, all they cared about was getting the job done….and if I couldn’t do it, well then…there were plenty of people out there who could. I tried to go back to school for cosmetology, because it was something I was good at and wanted to do in high school but didn’t. But at that time, it was apparent because of my condition, that even if I graduated, I wouldn’t be able to put the hours in that I’d need to build clientele. That, and my eldest child came down with Mono, and I had to leave to stay at home and care for him full time. I now owe a student loan for an education I couldn’t finish. Granted, it’s a small one, but it’s there nonetheless. Haunting me….
The final blow came when a couple years ago, I took a job with a local bakery for a few hours a week. Which turned into more hours than I could handle, and no matter how many times I talked to my boss about my condition and cutting back on my hours, she didn’t care. It was her way, or no way. I LOVED this job, I loved the women I worked with. I didn’t want to leave. I stayed though Christmas, to get them through the madness… and could barely walk by the time I Ieft. I had trouble lifting my right leg into my vehicle to drive myself home…. my right hip is in horrible condition because of this too. I am probably facing a hip replacement at some point in my life. And this is when… I was advised by my Doctors that I should file.
Fast-forward to today. I have been dealing with this claim for two years now. Have an attorney, the whole nine yards. And basically, long-story short…. they’re telling me….we’ve got nothing for you because you do not have enough work credits to file this claim. We can’t help you because your husband “makes too much money”….
Now, understand. I am not looking for any handouts here. I never asked for this. I didn’t ever want to be considered “disabled” for any reason. I have fought this every step of the way. The only reason I agreed to do it was in hopes of maybe taking a job under the guidelines of the disability title, where an employer would have to adhere to a certain number of hours, and accept the fact that there were a few things I could not do as an employee. Also, maybe….just maybe, to receive some sort of vocational rehabilitation back into the work force, into a job I could possibly do. Keep in mind though, that sitting for long periods of time is also virtually impossible for me also. So, what I’m saying is…. I needed HELP. Not a handout.
And I am outraged, and forlorn, and totally disgusted by a society that disregards “someone like me” (those were the exact words from the local Social Security employee when I called to ask questions) as a person who has not “contributed” enough to society. I mean, in essence, they’re telling me….”Too bad sister, you didn’t put the time in, your screwed!” WHAT??? I probably put more “time in” than was required had I been getting a pay-check for my job as a Mother.
How can a stay at home Mom be basically punished because she didn’t contribute? I cannot contribute to my household income because of a condition I curse every day of my life. My husband has to bear the burden alone because I cannot help him. I am not trained, and believe me ….before I knew how bad my condition had become, I tried to find a job. NO ONE will hire me because I’ve been out of the workforce for so long. It’s not like, you know….1950 when a stay at home Mom could “take a little job” as a secretary or something after her children were raised. NO!! No one wants us out there! We are disposable!
But have I not been a good citizen? I stayed home and raised four children who are responsible almost-adults…who are out in the world, “contributing” to society. I gave everything I had body and soul into raising those children and taking care of the household we live in. How the hell is that NOT contributing to society? I read somewhere that if a stay-at-home Mother was PAID for the job she did, it would amount to like around $100,000 a year!! I don’t understand how this world we live in decides that I am disposable? Because that is how I feel at this point. Like I don’t matter. Like I don’t exist. Like my whole life meant nothing. Now logically, I know that to my family this is not true. But to society? Whole different ballgame.
I am very upset by this turn of events. Especially since I know that there are a lot of people out there who are receiving these benefits and are cheating the system. I, however am not one of those people. I sincerely do not know where to turn. And it’s so unfair. I have a real condition, that under “normal” circumstances…had I “put the time in”…. and given my age, would have not been questioned…and I would qualify for help. But because I instead chose to do the most honorable job on the planet…..stayed at home and raised my four beautiful children, I am to be dismissed.
I don’t know what I hope to accomplish by writing this article. Maybe I’m hoping for a miracle. I don’t know. And I realize there are people out there suffering much more than myself. However, I have contributed to the lives of my children…. And I don’t think it’s right that a society can just disregard my place as a viable human being. It just isn’t right.
And now I’m done ranting. I’m asking anyone who is reading this, to please refrain from commenting if you have anything negative to offer. Please, just hope, prayers and a miracle are appreciated.
Thank you for your time.
Namaste 🙂
Eat, Rant-A-Latte 